The Official Humor Section 2008 New Year's Resolutions

I cannot believe how quickly this semester has gone by! Would you believe it is the last Oppy of the year already? Of course this calls for a listing of New Year's Resolutions…

I'm just gonna start with some obvious ones:

Resolution #1: Stop drinking too much and telling people how good looking they are. If they're good looking, they probably already have a sense of it and don't need to be told by the slurring girl with the bangs in her eyes. For instance, "You're the hottest guy at Stern…" probably not the best thing to say. Maybe start slow, like "Young man, I do believe your eyes would place 10th in a contest at our fair institution."

Resolution #2: Oh whatever! Stop being so hard on yourself! So you're an embarrassing goofball sometimes. Would you rather be a boring goofball spending all her time watching Law & Order Criminal Intent?

Resolution #3: Watch more Law & Order Criminal Intent. With all new episodes on USA, it's fair to say that winter break will be spent with me, myself, and Detective Goren. Oh Detective Goren, you're the perfect man: emotionally unavailable, incredibly intelligent, and slightly disdainful of authority. Throw in a penchant for The Smiths and you're my future husband.

Resolution #4: Enjoy this city while you can, for tomorrow you may move to Connecticut. I've lived here for six years, but I'll be leaving soon. I love New York. Also, I hate it. A couple of weeks ago in Dublin I was walking on the street when a woman had a diabetic attack; within seconds, she was surrounded by 30 people, offering her candy and orange juice and holding her steady (perhaps giving her a Guinness, not sure). Now, in New York, I'm pretty sure we would all walk by as long as maybe one person had the situation under control (yeah, I walked by in Dublin - what? 30 people had the situation under control). We would think to ourselves, "Tsk, tsk, that chick shoulda taken her insulin." That having been said, does anything compare? Can you see yourself anywhere else? Well, I'm most likely heading off to the CT soon so I'm going to enjoy it while I can. And the best thing to enjoy about this city is…

Resolution #5: Eat more macaroni and cheese. During the winter, this city weirdly becomes obsessive about its mac & cheese. Every other restaurant has a new interpretation when really, there's nothing you have to do to improve upon its sweet, sweet perfection. Nolita House, Cafeteria, DuMont in the BK…how I love your amazing combinations of perfect pasta and perfect creamy cheese.

Resolution #6: Start working out again.

Resolution #7: Stop thinking so much about boys. But there's so many of them! And I'm not tied to anyone! And they all are so cute! And they're funny and smart! And some are funny, smart AND cute. And what do you think it meant when that one dude sent me that one email that was sorta flirty but not really because he could've just been talking about his week and really why would he like me in the first place since I'm such a weirdo and if I keep up with all this "variety is the spice of life" b---sh-t am I really just going a little nutso since I was in a 4-year long relationship but now I'm basically just saying, "hey I have no interest in ever having babies ever…"? I mean maybe I should get serious, get back on j-date, make babies or something. Have I lost my ability to even think about serious relationships when there are so many boys in the world? And who wants a relationship when in the end I just picture picking up an endless supply of boxer shorts for the rest of my life. But on the other hand, I'll probably end up childless and alone and living in CT with my cat if I don't wake up. So yeah, I should really…

Resolution #8: Stop thinking so much about boys.

Which brings me to the most important resolution of all:

Resolution #9: Life is good so stop all your b-ching. I mean right now I'm a full-time student, not working the grind, going out, doing amazing things, meeting amazing people. I'm going to savor it like a good macaroni and cheese. Who knows about tomorrow, I like to remember the past with a smile and be sure to always enjoy the present while I can.

Anyway, I hope you all have great winter breaks. I'll be doing one of 3 things:

Celebrating New Year's in Budapest Watching Law & Order Criminal Intent Eating macaroni & cheese while watching Law & Order Criminal Intent

See you next year folks!

-J