Ms. Arbitrage

I have a crush on one of my professors. I don't want to name names, but he teaches Corporate Finance. Is there a way I can snag him for Spring Fling? -Turtleneck Lover

Ms. Arbitrage says: Ahhhh, the sweet whisperings of cost of capital calculations in the spring-they're so hard to resist. One moment you're just talking about those embedded options in new "projects" and the next you're making eye contact across a room of 400 students in uncomfortable chairs and realizing that those PowerPoint slides have secret messages encoded in the optimal debt calculations that say "Ms. Arbitrage, you complete me" and you have no choice but to stand up in class and shout "Where is the opportunity cost of lost love in all your financial data?" and the class bursts into a standing ovation as you and the professor start dancing to the Waltz of the Positive NPV under a starry sky... So to answer your question: no, you cannot snag him for spring fling. Do you get secret messages in class? I don't think you do. Don't make me unlever your beta. Just walk away now, and we can all forget you ever asked this question...

Captain Strategy says: Well I think I know who he is and even though I am in his class I barely attend so I don't know that much about him. I pretty much showed up for the introduction and the first, but not the second quiz. When it comes to dating a professor you probably want to keep it on the DL until you graduate so I would stay away from Spring Fling. Plus he has that policy that wherever you find him you can ask finance questions, do you really want your date to include in-depth arguments of NPV versus IRR or the value of regression or don't get me started on lemmings. I would suggest coffee and a trip to the Apple store. Have you ever seen his office? I am convinced he is a cyborg made by Apple, nobody is that good.

Follies made fun of me pretty bad. How do I get back at those bastards? -Miffed at being Mocked

Ms. Arbitrage says: Well I don't know what you expect after coming to school in a kilt and trying to play the bagpipes in accounting class last semester. I mean, sure, your excuse of being drunk might have been acceptable the first time it happened, but after that it just got tiresome. And I'm not even going to get started on your penchant for answering strategy questions by chanting "I am rubber and you are glue, Porter has five forces, what about you?" Or the tuna sandwich you've had in your locker since the first week of class "for science." Or the fact that every second Tuesday of the month, you talk while moving your finger and saying "Danny isn't here, Professor Gode" in a creepy demon voice, as if that gets you out of answering cash flow questions. Although I think we all agree that the demon has a much better grasp on macro-economic factors than you, so your fellow group mates have asked me to request that he attend their groups meetings in your place for the rest of the semester. Thanks a bunch!

Captain Strategy says: You are going about this all wrong. There is no need to do anything bad to Follies, Follies is your friend (plus I am in it). I think the real problem is you. I read somewhere, "If you can't laugh at yourself, you may be missing the joke of the century." You should consider this and lighten up. There is not need to go psycho. Certain medical theories attribute improved health and well being to laughter, because laughter triggers the release of endorphins. A study demonstrated neuroendocrine and stress-related hormones decreased during episodes of laughter, which provides support for the claim that humor can relieve stress. So go to Follies and also buy the DVD ($15) and laugh your way to good health. If that doesn't work you can always call in a bomb threat next year at Follies, after I have graduated.

I finally got an internship, but now I find out there is a drug test involved sometime in the next few weeks. And I thought it was impossible to fail anything at B School. What do I do? -Weeded Out

Ms. Arbitrage says: Some people will tell you that you'll be fine as long as you close your eyes, spin around clockwise six times before urinating while singing the Oompa Loompa song at the top of your lungs, and drink 27 gallons of Hawaiian punch the day before the test. But that doesn't always work out, especially when your stupid roommate comes home drunk and decides it will be funny to give the cat some of your punch stash laced with vodka and you're late to the interview with only 24 gallons to drink and an inebriated feline trying to hump your leg. I suggest that you claim that you can't pee in a cup for religious reasons. If they ask you what these reasons are, you can always start ranting about your freedom to worship the deity of your choice and if Company X doesn't respect your spiritual needs, you'll sue them for discrimination.

Captain Strategy says: I don't really know much about this because I would never (uhm) do any kind of drug, but I have heard of a few things on the porn thing, I mean Internet. Weeded Out meet Mr. Water and GNC pills. Mr. Water and GNC pills, meet Weeded Out. Now get to know each other real, real, real well. I have heard that you can try to flush things out of your system to speed up you quest to purity. There are a couple other options. First, maybe it will be like the April 3rd episode of the Simpsons and you can switch your sample with someone else's (Otto switched his with Homer's-LOL). This is a long shot so I wouldn't count on it. A second option is to find a good friend and obtain a sample and smuggle it in for the test. By the way, this conversation never happened, it wasn't printed, and I don't know anything about any "GNC pills".

I got wasted at the LABA party and now all my friends have pictures of me making out with a "latin lover." What is the going rate on blackmail these days? -Salsa Smoocher

Ms. Arbitrage says: I don't really think those are the pictures you have to worry about-have your friends shown you the ones they took after the party? Let's just say that I never knew you could do that sort of thing with a weed-wacker and a kazoo...