CRYSTAL BALLS - When All That Matters is the Future

I've been watching the news, and all everyone says is that the economy is in the toilet, and we all know they are lying because I checked this morning and all I found was last night's fajitas. It's like when Bush said there were WMDs in Iraq, but that was 2002, we are much smarter now. We aren't going to fall for the Economy is in the crapper BS are we? Are we?

That's the best positive spin I could come up with…fajitas in the crapper, last night's, no less. Sorry. Its time to stop looking at the news, analyzing it, obsessing over it. We do that all day, in every class, when we are not talking about the Willingness to Pay wedgie…or is it wedge? So, we at Oppy decided that the future is all that matters. It works like this, very simple really… you read under your star sign for your future…if you don't like it, no worries, read up another star sign. Its our little stimulus package for you.

Aries (March 21 - April 19) You are an intelligent, smart go-getter sort of person. Unfortunately for you, there doesn't seem to be much to go get right now, but no worries my friend…you are the sort that could make millions sticking your thumb up the willingness to pay wedgie and making people smell it. Not that we suggest you do that. Either ways, the future holds great promise for you.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) If you noticed blood in your stool this morning, you have only six months to live. The good news is that you will soon hit the $100 million jackpot and also meet the love of your life! Just kidding about the 'six months to live' part.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21) Will you ever make up your mind? You have no idea what you want, why you want it and why it even matters. To make matters worse, you are in love with a lost, pitiful, wayward character - yourself. The good news is that the person you are in love with will always return your calls, will always stalk you on Facebook and will always be there for you. The other good news is that having a split personality allows you to recruit for everything under the sun.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22) With a star sign that sounds suspiciously like a deadly disease, one would think that you are screwed, but you will do very well for yourself. You are the kind that could show up for an interview with onions in your armpits or show up for a date munching garlic and still do OK. That being said, don't try walking on water or jumping out of a building and flapping your arms.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) You like to worry. And you should. Remember the Leo in Titanic? That dude drowned even as the chunky lady floating on driftwood survived! But on the brighter side, you are destined for great greatness. Avoid transatlantic journeys on big boats.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Life is a box of chocolates, for everyone else. In your case, it's a box of crap. But you are the kind that turns crap into gold, carrots into chicken wings, and a frog into a prince with just one kiss. So here's what you can do, Yellow Pages…what if you took the Yellow Pages over to the 3rd world country and had people type the entire thing up and brought it back to the US of A…completely digitized in a floppy disk! Wait, that been done. Well, I tried...

Libra (September 23 - October 23) You could be an expert in the most complex of things like making angel food cake from cake mix but the simplest things in life elude you, like derivatives trading. What should you do? You could be one of them ponzi scheme guys, those guys run those things for years and make billions undetected. And if you do get caught, they'll love you in prison for making angel cake. Don't drop the soap though.

Scorpio (October 24 - November 21) You my friend, have it made, you shouldn't even be reading this. Your time is money. All you need is a bit of luck. You are genius trapped in the cage of your own mind like the homeless guys in Washington Square Park who play chess for money. You need focus, on the other hand, playing chess in the park for 4 hours, buying a happy meal and then taking the rest of the day off is real genius.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You are born to lead. A sharp mind combined with a quick wit. I hear a leading business school is looking for a new dean, you should apply. The rumor is that one of the perks on the job is a bat mobile. But since you can't drive stick shift, that's of no use to you.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19) The Capricorn is the 10th sign in the zodiac and is no longer aligned with the constellation. I am not sure what that means, it could mean that you are an alien or that you are retarded. But both varieties turn out to extraordinarily well for themselves so I wouldn't sweat it. Just know that the green goo in the crapper is not natural on the other hand, there may be too much green pepper in your fajitas.

Aquarius (January 20 - February 19) You are suspicious of other people's intentions. And that may be a good idea because they may want to steal your wallet, but on the other hand, it doesn't matter because there is nothing worth stealing in your wallet. You will bang into a pole today as you are looking over your shoulder.

Pisces (February 20 - March 20) You are the last sign in the zodiac and usually those fake horrescope guys will run out of material by the time they get to you, but not here at the Oppy my friend. You are in good hands. It is possible that you are direct descendant of a blood thirsty Mongol. But unlike him, you like to drink Sunny-D and your i-pod is empty, you just wear it so you can bob your head in the subway as you listen to other people's conversations. Your future holds great promise, Warren Buffet gets all his stock tips in the Omaha subway I hear...