Oppy Knocks

I would like to take this opportunity to discuss with you a matter of great import that has just come to my attention. I know you typically look to this space for random musings, but you will have to bear with me as I relay some breaking news this time. So, I'm not even quite sure how to tell you this, but apparently SCorp's lame duck Board has passed last-minute legislation the effects of which are far-reaching. I recommend that you keep reading. As I understand it, outgoing VP of Fulltime Students, Craig Rudner, broke out the trusty SCorp phone tree on Saturday night and demanded that a middle-of-the-night gathering be convened off-site. At said meeting, a quorum of members began to discuss the impending graduation and upcoming handoff of power to next year's officers.

Suddenly, VP of Technology, Brian Levitan, had a flashback to 12th grade U.S. History and remembered the "midnight judges incident" perpetrated by President John Adams. (For those who don't remember, Adams slipped in some controversial judicial appointments five minutes before leaving office...scandalous.) And from that point on, the clandestine affair took on a new tone. In addition to some basic forward-looking mandates, the lame ducks committed to leaving a profound legacy by revolutionizing the Stern experience. While waiting for insight to strike, they drafted the more pedestrian bits of the last-minute bill:

-Henceforth, the following clause will be appended to incoming VP of Technology, George Pushchinsky's, job description: "For every day that a printer in the 6th Floor Leader Suite is out-of-order, the VP-T will be required to contribute $20 to Bill Silber's Pizza Party Fun as well as manage ad-hoc outsourcing to Kinko's, as necessary."

-Henceforth, the following items will be added to the FY '07 SCorp budget:

-dart board and pool table for UC-70

-in-house masseuse on Wednesdays

-placing Danny Meyer on payroll as the new Executive Chef at Café Sosnoff

And suddenly, Mike Chan was overcome with an idea of such genius that he couldn't believe the Bursar hadn't thought of it before: differentiate the Stern MBA (Professor Galloway keeps imploring the administration to do so) by making it a THREE-year program. Rudner was immediately on-board: "You've figured it out! I've been wracking my brain for weeks trying to determine what possible edge those law students had on us at the University Games-the issue was on tonight's agenda, in fact. They have a whole extra frickin' year to cultivate and train their athletes! …But now we will, too! Brilliant." When Jillian Bordeaux added, "This means we can keep sleeping in 'til noon-and partying under the guise of 'networking,'" any remaining skeptics were sold. And henceforth the three-year plan was signed into law.

The ramifications of this plan are obviously extensive. When asked for comment, MBA2 media guy, Ross Seigel, was elated, "This gives me another whole year to find a job and figure out what I want to do when I grow up. Yippee!" Matt Rhodes, on the other hand, was not as pleased: "How the hell am I supposed to explain to Goldman Sachs that I need to push my start date back by an entire year? This completely throws off my five-year vision." As expected, the Bursar's Office was overjoyed: "What this means is that our cash inflows will increase substantially while our outflows are only affected minimally." The Bursar's Office indicated that its staff would be working closely with the Facilities Department to ensure that MBA1s, MBA2s, and MBA3s would all be able to exist harmoniously in the space currently occupied only by MBA1s and MBA2s. Facilities plan to track down any computer space that still exists in KMC and will convert it into plush new classrooms with funky furniture (such classrooms might turn out to be so nice that students won't even be able to use them, however). Study space will be abolished; however students will be given maps marking the way to the Bobst Library. And OCD may or may not be outsourced, but the details of such are still in-the-works.

Wow; so there you have it. I don't even know what else to say about this development. But, from what I understand, Oppy editorships remain one year in duration. So this means that I must bid you adieu. On a serious note, I want to thank everyone who has contributed over the past year-whether by writing, submitting photos, or even simply reading (you better watch out, though, if I see you pick up a copy and throw it back down onto the stack... ;). I appreciate the time and effort that countless individuals have invested, and I hope that the readers of our little paper have been entertained and informed. I know you didn't have a choice, but thanks for letting me serve as your Editor; it's been a really fun gig for me.

Finally, a big welcome to Michelle Chen, who is joining Team Oppy-and congratulations to the Class of 2007!